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When Grief Comes
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This slender volume is full of wisdom about dealing with grief and comforting someone who is grieving. Neely draws readily from his more than forty years of pastoral and personal experiences to affirm that each person will grieve in his own way, but grieving follows a general path. Understanding that path provides reassurance that recovery will come in time.
Neely reminds the brokenhearted that they will be able to comfort the newly afflicted and he warns the well-meaning that silent companionship can be more comforting than many words in those early days. Part two looks at the ways God prepares us throughout life for suffering: as children when we lose a grandparent or a pet.; and as adults when we suffer infertility or see our aged parents decline. In part three he writes about God’s tender mercies in the midst of grief and the signs of hope in this life that point to our ultimate hope in the next.
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A matter of life
“Neely… warns the well-meaning that silent companionship can be more comforting than many words in those early days.”
So true! The strongest most spiritual Christians don’t need to hear over and over again how the death of their five year old child is for the best.
My Uncle and Aunt served as missionaries in Papua, New Guinea all their lives and they lost one of their children during that time. My Uncle said he thought if he heard Romans 8.28 one more time, he was going to scream. And he was and is one of the most godly men I’ve ever known.
As long as Job’s friends stayed quiet - the first seven days - they were OK. As soon as they started talking, they got into trouble. I’ve heard some pastors say some pretty dumb things. It’s especially important to keep quiet if you haven’t been there yourself - like losing a child. And if you have been there you’re more likely to stay quiet.
Every grief is different, and we shouldn’t pretend that we understand exactly what a grieving person is experiencing.
One of the small groups at our church is studying a book on this topic, and from the overview the group leader gave (in a meeting giving a brief presentation of each group that had openings), it covers much the same stuff, including the need to be quiet sometimes, and not to say unhelpful things like Rom. 8:28 at the wrong time.
I haven’t experienced a lot of grief in terms of losing loved ones (because I wasn’t close to my parents), though I have gone through some pretty difficult times due to having to move away from close friends. I did go through a certain kind of grief when I was raped (almost 20 years ago) and I tell myself that someday I will be able to use that experience to help comfort someone else - but so far the opportunity hasn’t arisen.
Romans 8:28 is absurd. If all things work together for good, then why should we have police, judges, jails? Christians in Orlando are praying to God to reduce violent crime. That’s crazy, because according to the Bible violent crime works together for our good. Why should Christians be asking God to reduce something that works together for our good? Christians should want MORE violent crime, not less, since the more we have of it, the more that will work to our good.
When our good friends and neighbors lost their daughter to suicide, I felt like I had to say a comforting word. When my friend said, “There’s a hole in my heart,” I told her, “God will fill that hole.” I meant well, but that was an insensitive and naive thing to say to a grieving mother. Besides that, it was untrue. God does comfort, but my friend will always miss her sweet daughter and I am sure the hole in her heart is still there.
I am looking forward to reading this book. I still have a lot to learn.
Romans 8:28 says “ALL things work together for good…” not just BAD things. The absence of violent crime can work together for good also. BTW, all things only work together for good “to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” That is the rest of Romans 8:28. To those who hate God…
Bravo, Pam. Not surprisingly, the unbelieving (usually biblically illiterate) cling to convenient phrases and ignore the rest (and the context) of God’s Word.